101 Ways to Avoid Talking About the Weather

If it's not the humidity that kills me, it's talking about it that does. Here are 101 ideas, topics, and questions for when you're afraid your conversation will turn to the weather.

1. Ask what's the most serious traffic violation they've committed. Regardless of their response, say "child's play."
2. Question whether we'll live long enough to see the first human born on Mars and whether we'll be happy about our taxpayer dollars being spent on it.
3. Mention the most recent "Florida Man" news story you've encountered.
4. Determine whether there's a correct way to photograph mirrors for Facebook Marketplace.
5. Talk about a niche diet you'll start tomorrow. (Bonus points if you make it up on the spot.)
6. Discuss whether açaí is worth the price.
7. Ask them for their MySpace handle.
8. Explain why the book is soooo much better than the movie.
9. Mention how fabric softener is a total scam.
10. Determine whether people with tattooed eyebrows should be able to claim that they have "face tats."
11. Mention how you don't have a signature; you just write your name quickly in cursive.
12. Look over both of your shoulders and whisper, "I think we're being recorded."
13. Ask what video game soundtrack affected their childhood the most.
14. Mention Bruce Borders: a current State Representative in the Indiana House of Representatives, former Mayor of Jasonville, Indiana, and longtime Elvis Impersonator.
15. Determine whether speed walking or Baseball 5 is a less dignified Olympic sport.
16. Question the ethical stance of sprinkling gold flakes on food to justify astronomical prices.
17. Share how the only reason McDonald's doesn't sell shrimp is because shrimp would go extinct.
18. Explain why Robert Pattinson is a better Batman than Christian Bale.
19. Ask what their favorite Monopoly house rule is.
20. Take their opinion on whether gold watches are classy or tacky.
21. Ask whether they think the toilet paper should roll from the top or whether they're a psychopath.
22. Question which is more bearable: accordion or bagpipes.
23. Ask what their thoughts are about switching to the metric system once and for all.
24. Call the person by the wrong name.
25. Mention how unscented candles have that "unscented candle" smell.
26. Question whether selvedge denim is overrated or underrated.
27. Ask whether they're a 0 new emails or 17,245 new emails kind of person. Whichever one they say, reply "Ha! That's so you!"
28. Do the "So, ya like *j a z z*?" Bee Movie impersonation.
29. Ask whether they think their job will be replaced by AI or whether they're delusional.
30. Mention your favorite Super Bowl commercial.
31. Ask what their favorite 80s one-hit-wonder is.
32. Look them up and down, and then say "left swipe."
33. Make up a story about having to stand in line at the grocery check-out behind an extreme couponer. Say something like "It took 15 minutes!!! 15 minutes dammit!!"
34. Ask if they saw last night's game. If they ask which one, say "yeah, me neither."
35. Discuss which will happen first: humans reaching Mars or Florida going underwater.
36. Share how 22% of mammals can fly… but only because 22% of mammals are bats.
37. Ask what brand of lip balm they use. (Bonus points if you're asking a man.)
38. If they're wearing glasses, take them, put them on, and say "Wow! You're blind!" (Bonus points if they're not prescription or if you wear glasses too.)
39. Ask what their skin care routine is (assuming they have no pimples, zits, boils, warts, or acne, of course).
40. Say something that makes the both of you feel old, like "Kids these days don't have any respect, ya know?"
41. Ask if they would rather always have a burnt tongue or brain freeze.
42. Tell a knock-knock joke.
43. Immediately apologize for telling a knock-knock joke.
44. Ask if they absolutely had to convert to a different religion, which one would they choose and why?
45. Discuss how The Big Lebowski is a clever movie and how "people just don't get it, maaaan."
46. Ask what their "exit strategy" is.
47. Determine whether an eye patch or glass eye ball is more fashionable.
48. Ask if the person ever played hooky, and if so, what the person did. Whatever they say, respond with "look at you, rascal!"
49. Tell them you have a song stuck in your head and for them to guess what it is.
50. Ask what their last meal would be. Whatever they say, respond with "damn, you're making me hungry."
51. Mention an arcane conspiracy theory. When they give you a look, say "oh, so you're one of those sheeple, huh?"
52. Ask if they've ever gone to a high school reunion and why or why not.
53. Question whether cyber-bullying Amish people is justified since they'll never read it anyway.
54. Ask if they prefer Mac or PC. Regardless of which one they say, make a snarky comment about how Linux is superior.
55. Talk about how you read somewhere that velcro strap shoes are making a comeback.
56. Ask them about what déjà vu they've had recently.
57. After about five minutes, ask them about what déjà vu they've had recently.
58. Ask what their favorite childhood cereal was. After their answer, say "mmmmmmm."
59. Mention how they don't actually need a Costco membership to shop there; they can just purchase a Costco gift card and use the gift card.
60. Quietly start singing the chorus of "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys.
61. Ask if they have an iPhone charger. (Bonus points if you have an Android.)
62. Say you had a super crazy dream last night and then say something mild, like "I was at this buffet but they only had Tic Tacs… it was sooooo weird."
63. Ask what temperature they set their thermostat to.
64. Pretend that you just got a haircut and that they didn't notice.
65. Say "interior crocodile alligator."
66. Trash talk about how much better you are at foosball.
67. Shout "trust fall" and then fall backward. (This one is at your own risk.)
68. Tell a yo-mama joke. (This one is especially at your own risk.)
69. Start twerking.
70. Say "There's this really great band I've been listening to recently. Have you ever heard of them? They're called The Beatles."
71. Ask whether they're Team Edward or Team Jacob.
72. Sigh really loudly and then say "it's so hard being a [insert your zodiac sign]."
73. Regardless of where you are, look around, shake your head, and say "Bad feng shui."
74. Talk about your New Year's resolution with mithridatism. (Try to reserve this one for December or January, of course. God forbid they think you're a kook!)
75. Say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."
76. Tell them that if they or a loved one was diagnosed with Mesothelioma, they may be entitled to financial compensation.
77. Mention your sadness about the Library of Alexandria burning down. Follow it with something dramatic like "The knowledge we lost! The ashes! Oh heavens!" Then, pretend to faint.
78. Explain why Star Wars is an overrated franchise. If they get offended, say "oh my bad, I meant Star Trek." If they get more offended, say "gosh darn, I meant Starbucks."
79. Mention how you just got your tax refund back. Wait about five seconds, and then ask where the nearest strip club is… nonchalantly, of course.
80. Frantically pat your pockets and then say "where'd I leave my Tamagotchi?"
81. Mention that you got banned from FarmersOnly.com recently (unless you're in relationship… or a farmer).
82. Ask if they know a good zine spot. (Warning: you may have to explain what a zine is for the 40^th time.)
83. Pull some candy out of your pocket, whisper "trick or treat" to yourself, and then eat the candy.
84. Ask who their crepe guy is.
85. Brag that you can correctly insert a USB 80% of the time on the first try.
86. Complain that you can never find a recycling bin when you're out and about.
87. Question whether pinky promises or handshakes are more meaningful.
88. Say you hate cooking with your iron skillet because it takes forever to scrub all the grease off.
89. Mention a profound quote you found on a fortune cookie and how you're thinking of getting a tattoo of it.
90. Say "Ugghh, the bourgeois," then roll your eyes.
91. Talk about how Nostradamus predicted Bitcoin.
92. Discuss the ethics of owning an exotic animal as a pet.
93. Propose a marriage pact.
94. If you see an American flag near you, immediately stand up and pledge allegiance to it.
95. Ask what their favorite Elliott Smith lyric is. If they're able to provide one, try shedding a tear and nodding.
96. Question why $2 bills aren't more popular.
97. Ask about their favorite game show and why they think they have an above average chance at winning it.
98. Talk about whether "pick your own fruit" orchards are insulting to underpaid, undocumented workers.
99. Ask for their opinion of Las Vegas. Whatever their response is, act judgmental.
100. Say "I don't know about you but I liked Weird Al's earlier stuff… you know, before he went all… corporate."
101. Talk about how much you hate talking about the weather. 👊