Top Ten Tips for Starting Your Cult

This is the first of many "top ten" articles on The Long Knuckle. Now without further ado...

1. Choose a color.

Whether it's all white, all black (with Nike Decades), or otherwise, you'll want to stand out against the sheeple, and what better way to stand out than to wear a solid-color outfit! Wearing the same color will subconsciously enforce a sense of belonging and commonality among your followers, which will pay dividends in convincing them that they belong and should conform to the practices you outline.

2. Give your vocal cords some practice.

Mongolian throat singing, humming, whistling, and more—vocal music can be a great way to have your followers bond and feel a sense of unity. As you'd expected, the larger your following, the more harmonious they'll sound. This activity will help break down personal barriers and encourage group participation, which can, in turn, ensure that those suckers… uh, I mean, your following… stays conformant.

3. Grow a beard.

Let's face it (excuse the pun)—anyone who's had a bit of influence has had a beard at some point. Jesus Christ? Rasputin? John Lennon? Total Beard-Os. You want to start a cult? Put down your Gillette razor for a couple months, and let that facial hair flow, baby. (No grooming allowed whatsoever.)

4. Find a remote area.

If you really want to make your followers dependent on you, you'll have to ensure that they're cut off from the physical world as well. Mention that the outside world is full of fear, greed, and anger, and reemphasize your message with expressions like "inner harmony," "nature bound," "Earth dweller," or anything else that connotatively abhors cities and suburbia.

5. Instill a "no technology" rule.

The more access your followers have to technology, the more likely they are to consider other worldviews and challenge your ideologies. Needless to say, this can be problematic. By instating a "no technology" rule, your followers won't easily interface with or consider outside criticism, nor will you have to convince them that you're right about everything. To make this transition smooth, make up a ritual in which they give up their electronic devices and call it a "cleansing ceremony." Hook, line, and sinker!